Recently I had to write a descriptive essay on a person, thinking this would be simple, I chose my son and soon found myself confused.  I sat before my computer and struggled to find something nice to say as he has been having anger issues which have caused frustration between us.  He is four years old and has recently been hitting classmates in school and has a hard time listening and controlling his temper.  I am hoping to have a better understanding of where the anger is coming from and to help him through any difficulties he may have. I want him to feel comfortable expressing any of his feelings with me so that we can work on them together in a productive, safe and beneficial way.  Although I feel that this is a “phase” that he is going through at the moment, I want to be able to have an accurate understanding of the situation so it doesn’t become his normal pattern of behavior.

            I was recently at a local yard sale and after perusing through some old paperback novels, I spotted this book. Originally intended as a learning tool for Teacher’s Assistants I thought that since I consider myself AJ’s “life” teacher, this may be a perfect find for me. After reading the first paragraph I couldn’t put it down and spent the afternoon consumed with its contents. Anything that can help me understand how he’s feeling at times when anger is in the forefront will be beneficial. After all it’s been a lifetime since I was a four year old, so I haven’t got a clue where he’s coming from.

            It begins with a short tale named The very small person who had feelings. This was the eye-opener for me because it gave a short simple story of what a child learns about his/her feelings at a very young age from the child’s perspective.  It states that we are taught to learn how to cover our feelings of fear with toughness and feelings of loneliness with anger. Basically that we grow up not being able to feel the feelings that we have and working through and understanding them. Instead we are told to stop crying, being angry or feeling negatively but not shown how to move through the negativity in a positive manner and gain confidence in ourselves in the process.  At this point I wanted to learn more since I began to feel guilty and thought about all the times I had done this to my AJ without meaning to at all.

            After some brief summaries on the psychological perspectives on behavior such as Cognitive, biological, humanistic etc. I found myself with the understanding that we are all trying to make sense of the world with whatever knowledge we acquire. It must be very overwhelming for children to have to struggle with the stress of understanding what’s happening around them particularly at AJ’s age where he is just beginning to understand a little of his surroundings, and struggles to piece it all together to make sense.

            We move on to the understanding that we need to almost see the world through the child’s eyes and with a unemotional open mind. This is very difficult because I believe as mothers we tend to take our children actions personally. Whether it be toward us or behavior elsewhere.  We need to see that every time he/she acts out it’s a chance to learn and observe the body language and listen to the words that they’re using and potentially try to read the child. There is no failure only feedback. Even to the point where they ask you to imitate the child’s movements as they are trying to explain themselves in order to connect with the child on their level. To them it will seem familiar and safe and they are more apt to gain trust in you to share their feelings   

It asks us to delve even deeper into our child to find what his/her sensory preferences are in order to communicate more effectively. Some children are visual, others auditory and kinesthetic.  Once I realize what AJ’s preferences are then I am able to communicate those to him on his level.

            The book also tells about giving the child your eyes, ears and heart when speaking with him/her. Your undivided attention, particularly if they are having a difficult time. Subjects that adults may feel are not important, to a child they are very important and if we don’t listen to them now how can we expect them to confide in us in the future when the really big stuff hits!  I get this, I can rationalize it and understand it, but it’s so difficult to do at times.

            At this point I’m feeling that I must be the worst parent in the world and I’m astounded at my own stupidity and complete failure as a “life” teacher. This poor child is completely confused by his emotions and I’m no help at all. After all, where were the books my parents were reading about this stuff in order to help me with my feelings? I quickly regain myself and continue to read and find some very interesting ideas that I’m going to use to help my son’s confidence.  The first is a Feeling Chart, each day we can talk about what he felt that day and why and I will share with him my feelings of the day.  Along with this we will make a My Success Book for him which will show the things that he is good at so we don’t always have to focus on the negative.  Hopefully between the two of us we will work through this to a happy ending. I was able to complete my essay and the rest only time will tell.