I absolutely love my four year old son, AJ. Anthony John is a funny, beautiful child and he is truly my sunshine.

 

We have recently found ourselves in a tiresome situation. I call it “being four”. You see, I don’t remember in the slightest what it was like to be a four year old. I cannot seem to wrap my mind around it at all. I can’t relate to “being four”. I simply don’t remember knowing everything about everything, having loud and demanding outbursts and thinking that the world revolves around me. I don’t remember suddenly making animal noises and acting silly for no apparent reason. I don’t remember pretending that the world was different from what it was... that the superheroes are chasing bad guys with green lasers coming out of their eyes but only green lasers because green means “go”.

 

This kind of fantasizing is uncomfortable, unsettling and doesn’t fall into my adult mom role. So, therefore, I have come to the realization that I am not “cool”. Sure, I have my moments, but mostly I have become uncool to the point of exhaustion to my poor four year old son.I have become victim to the stressed and annoyed mother role and there have been moments when I have momentarily lost what little cool I had left. My son will look at me with his piercing blue eyes and tell me to take deep breaths and count to ten (the same technique we use when he gets angry) .

 

AJ’s “being four” agenda is fun, fun, fun and when that’s over…have more fun. I try to mesh him into my agenda. My agenda involves time and places to be…the schedule. I have become so lost in the schedule, what needs to get done, who needs to get paid and when and how, that I’ve lost that imagination that I used to have. Not only have I lost it, but I’m afraid of it! There is no control in it!

 

I fear that I will never be able to have fun with him, that I will never feel that carefree fun again, like I must have felt when I was four. I feel guilty because I must be the only mother in the world who can’t relate to her four year old son. I feel petrified that I am doing everything wrong! Finally, once that is all over, I jump back into the driver’s seat of my mommy mobile and try again to be the best mom I can. It’s all a learning process. We mothers must remember this.

 

What’s my plan? I’m taking a leap back from being the one always trying to teach AJ something and I’m going to look to him and see if he can teach me something and all the while I will be a patient and attentive student.This Christmas I bought AJ board games, science experiments, excavating kits and other projects. I bought things that we would have to do together and I intend to make myself do these things with him. . I am going to do this because I want to, because I want us to learn together how to be AJ and mom and have fun. I’m going to do this with my son even if I’m scared and even if it’s uncomfortable at first. I’m going to let my son teach me what “being four” is all about. After all, he is only going to be four once, then five, then six, then who knows. I want to enjoy every moment that I am given with him. I want to attempt to nurture his soul with the best that I have inside me and I also want to see if maybe I can reclaim the four year old I once was.This winter, my Anthony John and I will have snowball fights, go sledding, do projects, laugh, talk, and delight in “being four” together.

 

Even if the joy of it kills my schedule.